gormly.com

1. A site called “Who Represents” where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

Below is a nice collection of quotes that turned out to be very wrong. Many of the quotes are from very famous and respectable people. Maybe we should stop underestimating ourselves so much?

• “Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”

Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

• “I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”

Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

• “I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.”

The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

• “But what … is it good for?”

Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

• “There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.”

Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

• “This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.”

Western Union internal memo, 1876.

• “The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?”

David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

• “The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.”

A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.

• “Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?”

H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

• “I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.”

Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”

• “A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.”

Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.

• “We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.”

Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

• “Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.”

Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

• “If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.”

Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.

• “So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.’”

Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.

• “Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.”
  

1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.

• “You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.”

Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the “unsolvable” problem by inventing Nautilus.

• “Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.”

Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

• “The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.”

Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.

• “This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He’s doomed.”

Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.

• “Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.”

Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

• “Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.”

Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

• “Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances.”

Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.

• “Louis Pastueur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.”

Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

• “The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon.”

Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873

, 1873

10 Reasons Why “Tech Speak” Is The Best Language To Learn.
By Andrew Gonsalves “Halx” www.tfproject.org

While knowing how to speak Spanish will secure you a customer service job in Los Angeles, knowing how to speak French will make you sound sexier, and knowing how to speak Japanese will make all of your hentai games more interesting, if you know “Tech Speak,” you’re already 10 times more versatile than all those other bilingual show-offs. By Tech Speak, I don’t mean to imply that there is some secret code that you haven’t heard of before, and I certainly am not referring to any glossary of buzzwords that make you look more of a blow hard for reciting them. Tech Speak is simply the language of technology; the understanding of where the world is going and the tidbits of knowledge needed to stay adrift.

10. Confidence
Today, I fielded a call from a young lady who was having trouble figuring out a website she had been tasked with managing. After taking a brief look at the site, I was halfway embarrassed to guide her through the steps to updating her site. She was scared of the site. She didn’t want to touch anything, even if it was labeled with exactly what it would do if she touched it. A tech-savvy individual is not intimidated. Even after encouraging this woman to fiddle around and find out through trial and error, she could not bring herself to click anything without direct instruction. 10 out of 10 geeks reading this article are probably saying to themselves,
“Give me a crack at that site and I’ll know how it works in 5 minutes.” With that, I rest my first case.

9. Technology = Future
Don’t hit the “Back” button yet! I know it’s obvious, but it has to be said; those who embrace technology will inherit the future. I’m sure Barnes and Noble feels a bit cheated when a company half as old posts twice as much revenue. That company would be Amazon.com, a company born and raised on technology. Questionable business practices aside, Amazon is a great example of old business done new.
The number of computers-per-household is not regressing any time soon. The Internet is getting more interactive, connections are getting faster and computers are getting more accessible. The world is moving away from brick & mortar and into bits & bytes. To put it cryptically: 584e4d59c580ca10f301d53814b700da. I bet you wish you knew what I just said.

8. General Exposure to Knowledge
When I’m asked a question I don’t know the answer to, I look it up. I get the answer quickly and I look clever to the person who asked me. Everyone uses the Internet, but they don’t always know how to use it to get what they want. Tech Speak includes the utilization of your best resources for know-how. I need a T-shirt that says, “Just Google It.” Can someone sell one to me? I want it in black.
We have search engines. We have wikis. We have forums. We have social networking. We have open source. Even if we don’t actively search for knowledge on the Internet, we are presented with it whether we like it or not. We’ve all heard that knowledge is power, but I have a different view on it. Knowledge is peace. Not to turn this into an overture for my life’s philosophy, but on average, the more you know about something, the less you reject it.

7. A Worldly Perspective
In the same groove of having access to knowledge, technology gives you access to news. If you know where to get your news, you discover that there is a lot more to the world than what CNN and FOX tell you. Sure, the media giants are good for letting you know about major events in the world, but if you care about the validity of information that you digest, you can find enlightenment on the Internet. Independent news publishers, blogs, discussion forums, and open source portals give you a wide range of takes on important issues that maybe, just maybe, the media giants reported from a slightly biased viewpoint. Get the whole story and form your own opinions. Get feedback on your opinions. Grow and form new opinions. All with the help of technology.

6. Problem Solving Made Tech-y
The goal of programming is to efficiently solve a problem. The lessons of programming can be easily ported over into real life. Rather, the concept of problem solving in programming mimics the best way to handle problems in your daily flow. It’s all one big analogy, actually. With experience you begin to realize the worth of identifying problems accurately and honestly, or else your code (the fix) is dirty, nobody else can read (understand) it but you, and nobody can learn from it because it only works for the situation you used it for. Ahh, proprietary software. Inadvertently, I’ve just advocated for open source.
Forgive me; that last paragraph made no sense. Don’t bother reading it again for hidden messages you might have missed the first go-around. I’ll explain it here. I’m using programming as a metaphor for problem solving and life in general. An ideal program is written with as little code as possible, while fulfilling all of its functional requirements and taking up only as much resources as is necessary. Likewise, a few lessons we learn in life are to be brief, be effective and do not impose. The problem-solving portion of those lessons lies in how we accomplish that.

5. Knowledge Portability
I first picked up a computer in 1991. From that point, I taught myself all about the world of computers. I dove into networking as soon as I had the problem of connecting two computers together. My knowledge of the IT world grew and grew. Little did I realize that this was preparing me to understand the world of telecommunications. In 2001, when my lazy network operations department suddenly transformed into a telecom center, I had to adjust quickly. To my surprise, the world of servers, routers and T3 lines is not too far removed from the world of telco switches, CO’s and land lines. I adjusted. As a result, I can now put expertise in two “completely different” industries on my resume.
Telecommunications isn’t the only area where computer knowledge is relative. If you know how to wire your network, you know how to wire your home entertainment system. If you know how to produce W3C standard HTML, you know how to look up and adhere to general writing standards. If you know how to hide porn on your hard drive, you know how to hide your report card from your mother. It’s all related.

4. Articulation & Specification
If you’ve ever been in tech support, there’s a chance that you’re like me in the way you prefer people to address their problem to you. “Get to the point.” In turn, you know how to communicate your own issues to your counterparts in other areas. You have a clue about what information is relevant and what information really doesn’t matter. You know the worth of context and you know that the only way you’re going to get your question answered is if you’re honest. Likewise, you also know how to twist someone’s arm, however that’s covered in another article I plan to write.
“Real world” issues work no different than technical issues, however those issues don’t always have the streamlined troubleshooting processes that technical issues have, so people usually feel they need to wind up before a pitch. Experience in technology teaches you not only about structure of information, but also about formatting, which is exactly what allows you to let others know exactly what you want. It also helps you be funny, but you have to pay me for that lesson.

3. Troubleshooting
Troubleshooting is a specific form of problem solving that is highly emphasized in the world of technology. The process of stripping an issue down to its bones and methodically reproducing it is worth more than an A+ certification, though. The management of your company uses this process (if they’re smart) to find out why profits are low. Your mechanic uses this process (if he’s tone deaf) to diagnose your car. Your plumber, doctor, and psychiatrist use troubleshooting, too. What’s so special if everyone already does it? What do you think I’m going to say? Techies do it better.
Most of the world revolves around theory. Doctors have to spend the better part of a decade in school, yet second opinions are par for the course. The Tech Speak road through the troubleshooting process leaves nobody satisfied until the problem is isolated. Of course, you’re always more comfortable dissecting a computer than your own body, but you can recognize a thorough checkup when you experience one.

2. Code is Organized. Thoughts are Not.
My new job often catches me wide-eyed and frozen in the face of insurmountable queues of workload. I have to organize my tasks, assign priorities, and then process them according to changing variables in my environment. Does that sound a little mechanical to you? I’m an “artist” of sorts and that statement screams, “soulless and empty.” Never the less, I wasn’t hired for my creative ability. My bedroom may be organized with literally everything in it within arm’s reach (visualize that for a minute), however my office and my work performance needs to be structured and respectable.
Work is just another program I’ve written in my head. This program has more nested conditionals than rand()’s and it’s getting me a lot farther than my previous unemployed-QBASIC-go-with-the-flow style. When I originally thought of the concept for this article, my new job was what inspired me. The ways I am applying what technology has taught me to my work habit have been surprising me. I’m 24 years old with ADD and a really weird sense of humor, but I am doing a great job at work (my opinion) in a position that seems better fit for someone with visual battle scars (read: older and wiser) than a baby-faced toothpick.

1. It’s cool.
This article has been about how technology fits into our world and how proliferated it has become. I don’t REALLY need to explain all of the detailed ins and outs about why it’s worth it to be a geek. The simple truth is that the world has changed, making it possible to be into computers while still being cool. Companies like Apple and Sony give consumers a way to get involved without sacrificing their sense of style. Concepts like open source, social networking and peer-to-peer give users a way to get involved without the intimidation of background checks and credit card numbers. Being involved in all this introduces you to more people than hanging out at bars ever will. Tech Speak is the way.

10 Reasons It Doesn’t Pay To Be “The Computer Guy”

I only met my brother’s ex-girlfriend’s family once — the year they invited our family over to share Thanksgiving dinner. Since we were basically a group of strangers looking to make a good first impression, the table conversation was nothing more than friendly idle chitchat.

When I asked our hostess for more mashed potatoes, she took the opportunity to ask me about myself while dishing out my second helping — “So Shaun, what do you do for a living?”

Hesitantly, I responded: “I work in computer support.”

The transition to silence was immediate. All eyes suddenly turned to me, raised eyebrows all around. If you hadn’t heard my response, judging from everyone’s reaction you might think I said something outrageous like I was a male stripper or a gynecologist — but I knew the awkward silence would soon be broken by an overwhelming outpouring of computer questions.

“Oh wow, a computer guy!” — “So you know how to remove spyware and viruses and stuff, right?” — “Our family computer is really slow, I think it has a virus.” — “Do you have a business card, or can I get your number?”

I politely and patiently answered their questions, hoping that we’d exhaust the subject in a matter of minutes and then move on to something else. As it would turn out, my hopeful prediction was very wrong — the gentleman sitting next to me scooted his seat closer to me to begin an interrogation.

This man I was meeting for the first time must’ve truly believed that I was going to help him with his problem at that very moment. It didn’t matter how uninterested I looked or sounded, he was convinced that I must know the answer he’s looking for and he was determined he would get it.

Situations like this one were common for me. I’ve had eavesdropping strangers approach me with questions about their computer while I was eating in a restaurant. I’ve had oblivious coworkers step in front of me in a buffet line to tell me about their computer problems while I was serving myself food. I’ve had neighbors who spotted me from their window rush outside to coax me into working on their home computer while I was walking to the corner market. My knack for solving people’s computer problems had become so well-known among my neighborhood that these circumstances were near impossible to avoid.

You might be thinking, “So why complain? If your help is in high demand, why not embrace your talents and charge people for your time?”

I tried to for seven years. I’ve worked in the computer industry in various ways — help desk support, web design, consulting and sales, field technician, freelance computer specialist, and whatever other fancy name you want to give “the computer guy.”

I stopped enjoying it. There were certainly times when I enjoyed myself, but most of those times were when my computer talents were still developing. Once I stopped learning new things on the job, I would become fidgety and want to move on to something else.

From my career-hopping experiences in the computer industry, I’ve become acquainted with the Top Ten Reasons it doesn’t pay to be the computer guy:

Reason #10 – Most Of Your Accomplishments Are Invisible

The computer guy never hears anyone tell him, “I just want to let you know … everything is working fine!”

The reality is that people call the computer guy when something is wrong.

As a computer guy, if you work really hard to make everything work the way that it should, and things work fine, then people believe you don’t do anything. Everything you manage to get working correctly or do perfectly will forever remain unnoticed by computer users. They’ll only ever notice that you do anything when something isn’t working correctly, and you are called upon to fix it.

Reason #9 – Every Conversation You Have Is Roughly The Same

When the computer guy dares to mention what he does for a living, the typical response is, “I have a question about my home computer…”

Or when the computer guy first hears about a widespread problem within the computer network he’s responsible for, he can barely begin to assess the problem before a dozen other people call to report the same problem.

Or when the computer guy explains a certain process on a computer to a user who is incapable of retaining the process, he will inevitably need to reinstruct the user of this same process — indefinitely.

Reason #8 – You’re An Expert Of Bleeding-Edge Technology Products, Aren’t You?

The computer guy often finds himself in situations where someone is asking him for advice on a pending investment of the technological variety.

“I heard about (some hardware or software product) that can do (something desirable) for me. I brought you these (advertisements/reviews/printouts) because I wanted your recommendation. Which would you buy?”

Although the inquiring person sincerely trusts the computer guy’s judgment over their own, in almost every instance the real objective of these meetings is to ensure their own immunity from making a risky purchase.

If it turns out to be a bad investment, and they cannot get (the hardware or software product) to do (anything desirable), then you will be their personal scapegoat — “But honey, the computer guy said I should buy it!”

Reason #7 – Your Talents Are Forcibly Undervalued

Thanks to the constantly declining price of new computers, the computer guy cannot charge labor sums without a dispute. If he asks to be paid what he is worth, he will likely be met with the “why not buy new?” argument.

That is, desktop computers are always getting smaller, faster, and cheaper. It’s possible to purchase a new desktop computer for under $400. If the computer guy spends five hours fixing a computer and wants $100/hour for his time, his customer will be outraged, exclaiming “I didn’t even spend this much to BUY the computer, why should I pay this much just to FIX it?”

Reason #6 – You’re Never Allowed A Moment’s Peace

The computer guy is so prone to interruption that he rarely finds an opportunity to work on his own problems. This is because:

Computers never sleep.
Computer problems aren’t scheduled.
Every problem takes time to diagnose.
The computer guy can only give one problem his full attention.
Each user believes their problem deserves attention now.
Consequently, the computer guy has a 24/7 obligation to keep critical computer systems running, while simultaneously juggling everyone’s problems. He’ll often need to forfeit any opportunities to tend to his own needs for the sake of others — because at any moment, of any day, he can be interrupted by someone who wants to make their problem his problem.

Reason #5 – People Ask You To Perform Miracles

The computer guy is often mistaken for someone who possesses the combined skills of an old priest and a young priest. I’ll sum this up easily by example:

“No, I really can’t recover any files from your thumb drive, even if you did find it after it passed through your dog.”

Reason #4 – Your Assumed “All-Knowing” Status Sets You Up To Let People Down

There is no common understanding that there are smaller divisions within the computer industry, and that the computer guy cannot be an expert in all areas. What makes things worse, is when the computer guy attempts to explain this to someone asking for help, the person will often believe that the computer guy is withholding the desired knowledge to avoid having to help.

This is somewhat related to the next reason:

Reason #3 – You Possess Unlimited Responsibility

The computer guy is expected to solve problems. It is difficult to determine the boundaries of that expectation.

Some of the oddest things that I’ve been asked to do include:

Use pirated software to undelete important company files.
Create an Intranet, after explaining I didn’t know how to.
Teach someone how to hide their pornography collection.
Solving problems can range from replacing batteries in a wireless keyboard to investigating why the entire building loses power at the same time every morning. Resolutions can necessitate weaving a 50-foot cable through a drop ceiling, or wriggling under a house on your belly to add an electrical outlet.

Reasons #4 and #3 boil down to this: no matter how often you want to play the role of a hero, there will always be circumstances that test the limits of your ability to be one. It’s difficult to judge when helping someone means doing something immoral, and it’s even harder to admit you are unable to solve someone’s problem — and chances are, that someone will view you as incompetent because you were unable to help them.

Reason #2 – A Life Of Alienation

People only talk to the computer guy when they need him to fix something. Also, when the computer guy approaches a user, they’ll hop up out of their chair under the presumption that he’s there to fix something — as if it would never be expected that he only wants to strike up a conversation.

The fact that the computer guy never gets a moment’s peace can also practically force him to withdraw into solitude. His co-workers don’t understand that he doesn’t want to hear about their computer problems during his lunch hour — he does that every other hour of the day. That’s why the computer guy eats lunch alone with his door closed, or goes out to eat every day — not because he’s unfriendly, but because he needs to escape the incessant interruptions.

Reason #1 – You Have No Identity

It’s an awful experience when the computer guy shows up at a neighbor’s doorstep with a plate of Christmas cookies, only to have the child who answered the door call out, “Mom, the computer guy is here!” He begs for an identity that is not directly associated with computers, but “the computer guy” label walks ahead of him — it simply cannot be avoided. I was given a name and I’d love to be addressed by it.

Having read these reasons, you may believe that I’m complaining. It’s true that I was upset with many aspects of my life as the computer guy, but I’m past the point of complaining.

I took a good hard look at my existence and realized that things were not likely to change in the line of work I had chosen. Instead of just complaining, I took action and began making positive changes in my life.

Working in the computer industry isn’t for everybody. It wasn’t for me. I’ve compiled my reasons for putting it behind me and placed them here, so that anyone who is unsatisfied with their life working in computers might recognize it’s not for them either.

A Friendly Reminder from your IT Department

——————————————————————————–

I think it might be time for those of you who work in the corporate environment to get a bit of a refresher on your IT departments unspoken rules. It seems a few of you have forgotten what it’s all about. This should provide as a reminder as to the inner workings of the corporate IT world.

1.They are all my computers; I am only letting you borrow them. People constantly laugh at me when I say this, with no idea that I am absolutely serious. I have been given the responsibility of every computer in the office; they are all under my auspices, bar none. if I am gracious enough to give you access to one of my computers, then be nice to it. Talk to it kindly, call it a nice computer, and occasionally pat the monitor. Your computer – and your IT guy – will thank you for it. Also, this applies to printers, the network connection to the outside world, the videoconference system, and the phone system. Mine. All mine. Get it? Good.

2. If you are going to use my stuff, then use it properly. This means LEARN ABOUT frigging SPYWARE. If you absolutely HAVE to go to some site during work hours (and we’ll talk about this in a minute), then make sure, when the popups start showing up, you click the little black X in the upper right hand corner. Don’t click the big flashing “OK” in the middle. Don’t. Whatever it is you think you should do – if it’s not that little grey X in the uppermost right corner, don’t do it. Don’t. Just. frigging. Don’t.

3. We know. Yeah, that’s right, we know. Every little site you’ve gone to. All the email that passes through your computers. All the instant message chats you have. We know. All of them. So the next time you decide you just HAVE to visit some idiotic website with a movie of two guys frigging a chicken, the next time you HAVE to spam emails to all your friends about the cute guy you hooked up with the other night and he gave you chlamydia, the next time you HAVE to talk to your ex-girlfriend about hooking up one more time behind your fiance’s back, think twice about who might be reading that shit, and if you’ve pissed your IT guys off. Because we know.

4. Do not take advantage of us, or our toys. It’s awful nice of us to provide you with a boatload of network storage space for your own private use. Oh, and incidentally, that network storage space at work? IT’S FOR WORK PURPOSES. That means take the seventeen gigabytes of mp3s from some shitty hip-hop artist that you got from some peer-to-peer and GET THEM OFF MY frigging NETWORK. I won’t ask nicely again. And listen to some real music – hip-hop sucks.

5. Learn to share. Look, I realize that the computer came with Windows XP. I don’t like it any more than you do. But really – that T1 we’ve got? It’s for everyone, so you can’t hog all our bandwidth by downloading the entire Fedora Core 3. Do it from home. If you want to bring it in to work and dual-boot your drive, I really don’t have a problem with it. But go back to kindergarden first and realize that hoarding is a bad thing, ok? Thanks.

6. The computer I let you use is for your use alone. This is somewhat malleable, where if someone at work needs your machine for a minute, you can let them use it. When your fourteen year old son comes to the office with you on Saturday and you let him use one of MY computers, then bitch to me about spyware, well, I’m just gonna tell you to lick the crack of my ass and spit in a cup. Sure, I’ll fix your machine, but after that you’re gonna have two icons on your desktop; “Go To Work” and “Go Home”, and “Go Home” won’t work until 5:30. Think I can’t do it? Try me.

7. Are you a Program Manager? Then keep your frigging hands off of my frigging computers. This is non-negotiable. You people could frig up a free lunch. Get the frig away from them or I will stab you in the neck with a pencil.

8. Are you in sales? Please see #7. You people are worse than Program Managers. Drink bleach.

9. Are you in Engineering? I realize that most of you have forgotten more about hardware than I will ever know. This doesn’t really give you the right to attempt to overclock the PC I’ve let you use to Ludicrious Speed. Please use discretion. Attempting to eke out a few hundred more hertz is fine; requisitioning a Freon Cooling Unit because 3.06G just isn’t fast enough is a little overkill. Trust me.

10. Oh, so you have a laptop of your own? Keep. It. Off. My. Network. If I catch an unknown machine anywhere on my net (please see #3), I will frig that machine up so badly your high-school TI calculator will be a Beowulf Cluster compared to your new paperweight. Also, I don’t fix home computers. Tough shit. I hope you get herpes.

11. If you want something from your IT Department, email is your friend. This is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, but still – if you need something from me, email it to me. Don’t blindly call me, don’t magically materialize next to my desk and sit there while I’m working on something, waiting for me to pay attention to you – email it to me. I’m not doing shit for you until I have a paper trail originating from you about it. You can follow up with a phone call, that’s fine; you can come over and say, “I just shot you an email, can we discuss?” – that’s fine too. If you just come over and leer at me while I’m in the middle of something, I will ignore you, and mentally give you cancer with my mind.

12. Anti-virus software. Look, people, it’s there for a frigging reason. Don’t try to shut it off, please? Can we at least agree on that? We spent a lot of money on that software so that it would be up and running all the time, and it’s not really my fault if you have fifty applications open and “the anti-virus software is slowing my machine down!!” So I’ll make a deal with you; if you don’t shut my anti-virus software on my computers off, I won’t shove an abacus straight up your ass. Ok? Good.

Following these 12 simple steps will make for a far more pleasing work environment. I guarantee it.

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